How is it possible to lay next to your boyfriend, being horny and not getting any!? We seriously do not have the same lobido and I'm afraid it might become a problem.. I can look at him and I start dripping, is he feeling the same way ever I ask myself? I fucking hope so! If I chose to I would be getting it from guys every freaking hour of the day.. But I want to do it with someone special, someone I care about.. And I'm picky, I believe everyone shoud be.. Not to the extreme beacuse everyone has flaws, but you should never be content with jusy what ever..

Well, I'm gonna try to get some sleep.. Maybe I'll get lucky in the morning :-P

Do you know how it feels when everything seems to fall apart from underneath your feet? You know that you are privileged with good health, a roof over your head and food on the table. But what if you had to give up an apartment because of trying to save your health, and finding a new one isn't really as easy as you'd hoped. And then you find out that you probably won't have a job next year. Your family has always been a bit unstable and you don't really feel that you can count on them for support a hundered procent. Your new boyfriend is wonderful but you tried this before and you never know if you have 'em tomorrow, now do you?

I am usually very happy, a person believing in the the saying: "Everything is gonna be all right". But now, these past couple of weeks, especially since I discovered I couldn't feel safe in my own home, I've cracked. I've been feeling so low I've even been thinking about taking my own life. Now, don't worry, I'm way to chicken and way to concerned over how my brothers kids would deal with it to do it.  But just thinking about it doesn't make me feel better. Everything pretty much feels as low as can be. But if I loose my job and my boyfriend, that would probably be the last bang in the head. So let's hope that won't happen, not until I found a new home at least.

You know what they say about life. There are four different parts of life that should be on track to make you feel the most happy. That is your home, your job, your family and your lover.

Right now two parts of those are very unstable, one has and probably always will be a bit unsteady and the last part is good for the moment, but I'm not naive anymore, shit do happen.

Anyways, just needed to jot down some thoughts of mine, it helpes. I'm trying to be a believer. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger I guess..

Life isn't always easy.. Right now Mine is not.. But I'll get thorugh it, I see the light.. It just has to be a good ending to this one! I'm gonna kill this monster! But you might need help to get your ass trough it sometimes, admitting that again.. And it's in times like these when you discover who your true friends are.. Thank God I have a couple of those! All cred to you guys!

My apartment is officially a shit hole, so I panicked and I ran.. Not the most rational thing to do but you gotta do what you gotta do in times of stress or when you need to pee real' bad, haha! So now I don't reallt now where I belong.. But I know I'll find a new place.. A place where I can relax and feel good again.. And I might even practice a little feng shui, haha.. No, but seriously, I need to stop collecting things, I have a problem!

I once read a book on feng shui and I do think I remember a little of it.. And if I remember right, then my life is not in its best place right now, daah! That would be the 20 bags of laundry scattered all over the centre of my apartment.. And the sad part, my love life is probably not at its best either, hence the big pile of shit on my dinner table which is placed on the far right side in my apartment.. I should clean that up! It worked the last time in my old place.. Even if it might have been just mentally.. I'm in real need of love right now..

Anyhow, just wanted to write a little something about my situation at the moment.. And say a little prayer that I'll have a new lovely apartment soon..

Actually, right now my life feels a little like that Tom Petty song I like so much:

Well some say life will beat you down
Break your heart, steal your crown
So I've started out, for God knows where
I guess I'll know when I get there

I'm learning to fly, around the clouds,
But what goes up must come down

I'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings
Coming down is the hardest thing

Only, I do have wings sometimes ;-)

So, I just realized today, I might need a man after all.. Hmm.. Ain't easy admitting for a chick who want to stand on her own two feet doing it all by herself.. But it is in times of crisis we really figure out who and what we are I guess and sometimes (guess I gotta admit it) a man could come in handy.. Now I'm talking about the crisis being the type where there's a bug involved for instance.. Call me weak, but there goes my limit, that's my fobia! I almost stopped breathing.. But hey! Who said a little breath-holding would kill you!? I survivied.. But I do admit my first impuls was to grab that phone and call this guy I'm seeing, just for the comfort.. But I didn't, didin't wanna scare his ass off.. How hot is it with a woman calling sounding hysterical babbling about some bug in her wardrobe.. We're pretty fresh too, and if I know guys he'd probably think twice before setting his ass on my door step again, unfortunately.. That's just my luck anyway..

So, I guess we've entered the door guys.. Into what I think this blogg is really gonna be mostly about, men.. Can't live with them and can't live without them.. Sometimes though, I'm pretty damn sure I can..

I'm was a small town girl, that equals naive.. My big lips and my african ass wasn't really appreciated back in my town but that all changed the day I started going to school in the big city.. Those guys liked what they saw and this girl she liked it too.. And of course, me being a Leo and all I was purring away! We Leos like a little bit of attention from time to time.. Although, I must say I am a very modest Leo in person and I have a stage fright which I'm dying to get rid off! I'd love to act.. Just a dream no one really knows I have and I think I like keeping it that way.. Anyway, back to school ;-)

I met a couple of guys, I'll most definetly come back to who they are and what they did another time because it is entertaining, let me tell you! And I've been heartbroken more than once.. But you learn, you pick up a whole lot more than you think thoughout the years.. I'm happy eventhough it wasn't fun right then and there but shit happens! It made me the Woman I am and they can't do shit to me today.. Chocks them every time, because one thing I can tell you is, they always come back! It can take a month, half a year, one year, even two but they come back and show their asses! Thinking we're gonna get down again, but please! I know you've all been there and hopefully learned that it ain't worth it.. They ain't worth it, they ain't shit for treating you bad in the first place, now why should we give 'em another chance!? I know we all did it, will probably do it again (I won't) but think about it next time.. There is a lot of guys out there..

Eventhough I know it ain't easy finding a good man I know it ain't worth grabbing a bad we already used once.. If he wasn't really good in the sack though, those men are excused, they do have a talent, mmhmm.. But let me tell you honeys, then he's just gonna be used for that purpose and nothing else.. No hopes, no wishes, no needs from your side, because, I'm sorry to say this.. Once an asshole, always an asshole and no, you ain't the one changing him.. Because a guy who wants a woman, he'll let her know and she'll feel it.. And let's just face it, we have a tendancy to block those feelings of rejection out, those that to anyone other than ourselves (being so in love and all that other shit that makes us not being able to think clear) would be pretty damn visible..

Now let's instead focus on the guy that wants us, it is much more fun really.. Sometimes I do think that we're all just a bunch of masochists thinking we want the bad guy when really he doesn't make us feel good at all.. We might be a little flattered that he's paying attention to us and he might be very nice to look at (beauty is enchanting, I know).. But in the long run we need someone who's gonna be there for us (in times of crisis envolving bugs for instance, haha), someone who's gonna listen to us (eventhough they're not as good at that as our girlfriends, but at least someone that tries), someone that will hold us and just someone that cares about us.. At least I know that I want a guy like that.. But I do like him to look good and give me butterflies as well.. But who said we can't have it all? I believe we do and therefore I seriously doubt the player to be any good for me, I don't even go there anymore.. I don't start it anyway.. If they show interest I'm willing to give them a chance, just as anyone else I feel attracted to, but I won't be stupid and I've been there before so I know all the tricks.. But I do admit it,the game can be fun, but it's only fun until you get feelings for the guy, so be careful!

Anyway, back to the good guy.. And I'm only gonna say one thing really.. Remember that song with Cher, you know the one I'm talking about.. At least if I ask you in what one way you'll know if a guy really likes you? It's in his kiss.. And I've fooled myself a lot there too, but if we really pay attention then we know the answer don't we ladys?

This is gonna have to be it for today.. Enjoy and I'll see you again soon =)